Sunday, December 22, 2019

What's Going On, Shayna?

My lovely readers,

This is a letter to you. No, I'm not saying goodbye to my blog or anything, don't worry, but I do think we need to talk a little. I'm not blogging a lot right now. I'm not really enjoying blogging right now. I hate that. Sometimes in the past few months, I've had no ideas at all, and other times I've had a million - so many that I can't start on a single one.

It's been a hard year. In some ways, it has been one of the most difficult years of my life - but I can definitely say it's been the year of greatest change. I bought a house, and moved in. I switched jobs from one I had been in for ten years (same organization, different department and work schedule). My relationship of several years ended. Four people in my family died - three being in the span of three months. With all of this, I've still been going to school (although with a decreased workload).

I'm so tired.

I want this post to be intelligent and eloquent - I don't want to just type everything that comes to mind, and yet I also want to write this as a diary entry to just release absolutely everything that I've been going through. So forgive me, if I sound a little crazy.

One of my best friends travels a lot for work - she isn't here usually for most of the year, and I haven't been able to talk to her much. She is the person who is always able to soothe my soul when there are tempests in it. My sibling and I were always close, and we're growing very much apart. I don't find living alone isolating, but these are two things that have made me feel sometimes very alone. I've experienced mental illness for most of my life, and it's something that, although fortunately is not a constant struggle, likes to rear its ugly head at some rather inconvenient moments. And when it does, it is very, very vicious.

So now, I am looking to take a bit of a life break. I'm trying to focus on myself right now. And that means that I'm not stressing out over reading challenges, I'm not forcing myself to post once a week, I'm not making myself review everything I watch or read. Sometimes the fact that I made dinner and did all of my dishes and went to bed before 2 a.m. is a victory. I put up my Christmas tree, and that felt like a win. I am going to take a little bit of time off of school. I'm going to work on enjoying the things that I have and love that feel like they are being shoved aside. I love my blog, and I love blogging. I need the opportunity to let the pressure slide so that I can actually feel that enjoyment.

So I have a dozen posts that I want to do, a trillion movies to talk about, and a few things to catch up on. My posts might be released a bit erratically, and they might not be as long as they used to be - I need to be able to post them while it's fun, and not a slog to get through. I don't post some of the things I am extremely passionate about, and I'm wondering about changing the focus of my content to include those things. I don't know yet. Perhaps I'll do a post about what some of those things are, and we'll see how that goes.

I think that's all I want to say for now. Thank you all for being there this year, and always.
Talk to you soon,


  1. Self care is so important. If that means leaving your blog for a bit, then that is what you should do! I had a period in which I left blogging and reading last year. I finally decided to seek help for my mental illness and blogging was something that was getting in the way of healing. But I came back so much more open and stronger! Take all the time you need :)

    1. I'm glad you were able to take the time to do that, Emily. I decided to take this next semester off of school to be able to breathe a bit, and honestly already just not having that pressure has been helping a lot.

  2. Awww Shayna, your post almost made me cry. "Sometimes the fact that I made dinner and did all of my dishes and went to bed before 2 a.m. is a victory." But it also made me realise that you're a strong person despite everything life's been throwing at you, and you should be proud of that. I hope the new year will be good to you - you sure deserve it.

    I can relate to being tired and alone, if for very different reasons. I have a disabled husband (he lost a leg as a kid and was in major incident as an adult...he can go around and drive, but he's in constant pain, and I have to take care of the house and, well, him). I don't really have friends. I've come to despise my job, and the pay is shitty. get the picture. For me blogging is a life-saver, the thing that makes me connect with a broader, better world and gives me the chance to decompress (so is Twitter). But sometimes I need to take a hiatus too (though I've managed to fill them with scheduled posts till now). So, do what you have to do, and what gives you joy. And if you ever need to talk, just DM me on Twitter. Happy Holidays! Enjoy that tree 😘.

    1. Thank you Roberta, I really appreciate you sharing that. We're all dealing with different struggles, and have our own ways of coping with them. Sometimes blogging is stressful for me, but I'm definitely finding that Twitter has helped, so thank you for that recommendation! You're right about being able to connect with more people - even though I work with the public, I want to be able to connect with people differently, and on my own terms, and blogging and Twitter help with that.
      Happy belated birthday and Christmas, and Happy New Year!

  3. It's so important to take care of yourself! I'm so sorry you've had such a bad year- hopefully 2020 will be a lot better. You've made some big steps (moving house, changing job, etc) and you need to take the time to look at how much you've achieved this year as well.
    I hope things take a turn for the better but remember that you've survived everything and you're strong enough to get through it. It's definitely a good idea not to pressure yourself into blogging or reading a certain amount- it can turn something you usually love to do into another thing to stress about.
    I hope things get better and know that I'm always here to message if you need someone to talk to xxx

    1. Thank you for saying "you've survived everything". I've been using that as my motto lately because of this.