September 2020 Update

Wow has it ever been a while since I've done an update! This one isn't going to follow the normal format, but my goal for the past bit has been to just try blogging again - regardless of if my posts are perfect. It's hard to keep faithful to that though - I want them to be my best work, and I have to remind myself that I am not at my best, so it's okay if my posts aren't either.

The past few months have been...well, a lot. And I know it's been that way for most of us. I'm not going to go into too great detail there, because well, it is not only too painful, but I am also trying my best to move forwards. So, although I will spend a moment on this all, this will focus on what I have been reading and watching in the past while. That being said, I would like to give a trigger warning for terminal illness for the first heading in this post ("What's Happened"). Feel free to skip past and onto future sections.

What's Happened

For any of you who were here with me throughout 2019, you'll know that I suffered a lot of loss that year. Unfortunately this year has been similarly difficult. The pandemic has made grieving an odd process, and it all seems a bit like I'm living in an alternate reality. A lot of this has happened in the past few months.

Recently, a family member was diagnosed with cancer. Very little can be done for them now except manage their pain levels. At this point, their life expectancy is only a few weeks. Their affairs are in order, and we are doing our best to make sure that these last weeks are filled with contentment and free of worry.

I lost a friend of mine very suddenly. Although they had been unwell for quite some time, the final moments were very sudden and shocking. In truth, I think I still feel in a state of shock over what happened, and it will take me a very long time to heal from this loss.

Someone close to me has had major surgery for a chronic illness, and this surgery was supposed to be the last effort they had to correct the problem. Only time will tell with this situation, but I know that they have been in quite a lot of pain, and their quality of life has been very poor. Any updates over their condition have rarely been positive, and we almost lost them a few months back.

With all of this, plus being back at work, and trying to support friends and family going through difficulties of their own, I have been rather a shell of a human being. When I get home, I have just enough energy to do the necessary tasks, and then simply watch YouTube videos, or play games on my phone. Even watching a movie has seemed like too much effort most days. However, I know that the healthiest thing for me is to work on focusing my energy differently and taking time for myself. So, here's what I'm working on now:

How I'm Getting Through

Walking is probably my number one coping strategy. I stopped doing it because I was exhausted, but I realized that that was only making me more tired, and more depressed. No, I don't have the time to take a long walk every day, but it's important that I carve out that opportunity a few times a week. I normally walk home from work, which is good for exercise purposes, but it's not really the type of walk I need for relaxing and processing my emotions. Yesterday I went for a two hour long walk, and it was delightful. I'm trying to take photos of beautiful and interesting things while I am out, and am sharing them with my best friend to make her smile as well.

Working with polymer clay has been a great joy of mine. I've always loved working with clay, but now I'm really focusing on it and trying to improve my techniques. I'm playing around with different shapes and ideas, but I'm especially enjoying making flowers, and finding I have a knack for them. Who knows, perhaps my Instagram (@clockwork_bibliotheca) will showcase some of my efforts if people are interested.

Watching shows on DVD. This is specifically important because I stopped being able to watch things on television, or on Netflix or anything. I just didn't have the motivation, and was distracted. Movies were taking too long, and I needed motivation and a hook to keep with something. So, I started taking television shows out from the library again. I'm still new to this, but it's going well so far. If you have any recommendations, I will happily take them. I'm looking for things with overall happy endings, and nothing too super intense, but I'm also not looking for gentle, fluffy shows. I need it to actually grab me! I'm avoiding anything with subtitles for right now, because, as much as I love foreign language content, the added effort is just a bit much right now.

Writing letters! My best friend and I write letters to each other, and it's something I really love. I wrote her one many months ago (May?) but hadn't done one since, although we've communicated in other ways. I particularly enjoy letter writing for a few reasons though - the personalization, the joy of receiving a letter back, the fun ways you can decorate and design one, the physical act of being able to pour words onto the pages and especially how you can get out your thoughts and feelings in stages. I have a difficult time with emails sometimes because I feel like I have to get it all out at once. It's silly, since I know I can save things as a draft...but it just doesn't work in the same way for me.

What I'm Watching

Okay, so...the true answer to this is..."not much." However, I am definitely working on it. What I have seen over the past few months that I remember, is:

A Discovery of Witches - Season 1

I really enjoyed this one! It definitely isn't perfect, but it was a fun diversion with just enough intensity, and lots of romance - just what I needed!

20th Century Women

Decent, but not a whole lot that I could relate to in it. I wouldn't recommend it, but I also wouldn't tell you to shy away from it. It had some good points.

Crazy Rich Asians

I know, I know...I was super late to the party here, but I really loved this one! Definitely would recommend it!

Atlantis

This Disney movie has been on my list to watch for...I don't know...15 years? Took me long enough, eh? But I'm glad I finally watched it! It's a bit slower than some of the other ones that I love, but I thought it was great.

The Half of It

I adored this. This is one movie that actually had my full attention, and I was so glad to have seen it. Honestly, if you haven't seen it yet, but have the opportunity to, I really would check it out.

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I'm not going to shy away from talking about my struggles anymore, but I also don't want to focus on them. I'd like to be honest about bad days, but I want to work on getting back to a healthy place. How are you all doing? I've missed you! I've been around a little, but not as much as I would have liked, unfortunately. I wish everyone the best.